I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
