he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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