Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it hurts more in the daytime
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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