I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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