We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
