She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
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