I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
