i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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