The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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