You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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