True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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