Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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