Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
