i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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