Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
