I wish I could teleport
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
