If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
