who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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