I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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