I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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