used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
