you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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