My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
