Don't you send me to vm
Someone shit on the floor
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
