I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
