Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize