i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
