My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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