What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
