things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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