You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
