made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
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