Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
