how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
