i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
