my phone needs a breathalizer
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
