Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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