watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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