At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just googled if crying burns calories
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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