I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
