He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
