watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
