i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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