Your face is a jimmy john
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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