So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize