More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
