I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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