I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
