At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
