I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
