My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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