Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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