Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
