Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
