Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
