i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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