I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
